


Unexpected Outcome

by Hypsidium



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 01:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3710311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hypsidium/pseuds/Hypsidium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When I joined the Foot Clan I absolutely did not expect this outcome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unexpected Outcome

When I joined the Foot Clan I absolutely did not expect this outcome. I was, at that time, a lonely college student moved to the big city from down South, no family ties to speak of, and working a 9-5 while still maintaining my class schedule. Joining a Bradford McDojo was supposed to be a way to relax, not get me potentially killed. I just wanted to put that out there before you read on because no one has any sense around here and so help me God if I hear about 'honour' and 'I will have my REVENGE' one more time I will scream. Like really scream. The kind of scream that usually precedes doing something really, really stupid. Like that kid I heard about who decided to dump about forty liters of mystery goo on his face and then proceeded to melt. Or something. Carl wasn't real clear. I'd say good times but the kid was seriously clueless and I kind of felt sorry for him. 

Anyway, I joined up with the Foot because they offered. When I said I already had a job they offered to pay me. When they offered to pay me less than minimum wage they offered not to remove my spine on account of they just let slip they have a secret fucking ninja clan hanging out stealing things. I like my spine, so I took the generous offer.

Spines are good. Spines are necessary for lots of things. Never underestimate the power of spines.

It's not all bad honestly, we have a break room and an infirmary (I spend more time there than I want to, but hey, free healthcare and no insurance premiums), and my roommate Carl and I play cards with Yuri, Kyo, and Jim every Friday we aren't working. They even offered to let me sign up for online classes because evidently going for your PhD is important to them. Go Foot Clan, way to be progressive? I mean, they'll sequester me in a lab for the rest of my life but at least I don't have student debt to worry about ever again since I'm legally dead and all.

This whole business, though? This I didn't sign up for.

The Big Boss calls a few of us into his 'office' (which is some kind of whacked out throne room - don't ask me I am not the interior designer here, that's Paul's job) and lays down an order to catch four turtles and a rat. And he seems really pissed about these animals, like they personally affronted him or something. Maybe they shit on his lawn or something? Evidently they're hanging around downtown for some reason and all I could think of was how far they were from a lake and what kind of turtles are they anyway. I took a half a dozen animal behavior classes in college and my thesis was on habitat selection of Elaphe obsoleta obsoleta. I was feeling marginally confident in my ability to find some turtles. Yeah, call me stupid now all you want, considering our chief commander is a GIANT FREAKING DOG MONSTER (you learn really quickly not to stare) but give me the benefit of a doubt here. I seriously thought he wanted regular turtles. It explains the weird looks I got when I raised my hand and asked what species.

So anyway, we go to this warehouse and of course Karai is all "blah blah blah I am the best of you so stay out of my way" and smirking and actually being a lot better than us. Sure, kid, I didn't plan on being in your way while we're trying to find reptiles and mammals in New York City. I am so glad these masks have weird grid things over our eyes sometimes, they hide eyerolls so very well. Then we go inside and all hell breaks loose. First there's Karai jumping up into the rafters, which leaves me wondering what the hell kind of turtle she thinks she's going to find up there, then there's a flash of green and HOLY SHIT.

They're ninjas.

They are ninja fucking turtles.

Biology class did not prepare me for this.

Bradford does that weird growling thing and jumps ahead of us, trading bantering dialog with one of them - flash of orange, short, nunchuks??? - and gets his ass royally handed to him. They're calling him Dogpound. I only just barely contain a hysterical laugh. No one laughs at Bradford and keeps their skull intact. Unless he's telling a really bad joke, and then you want to laugh like you're going to explode because you just might if you aren't doing it right. Xever is right behind him, fishrobot body spinning and twirling in his typical overly flourished Capoeira fashion. I still don't know why he does so much spinning, but hey, it's effective against big red and green so I can't complain too much.

The other Foot Clan around me surge forward, and also get their asses handed to them, which gives me time to stare and wonder what fresh hell I just wandered into. Karai, still up in the rafters, is at least holding her own against another shadowy turtle - I see a flicker of blue - and the clang of steel makes me wince because I know that Kyo will be sharpening her blades for hours after to get rid of the nicks. One of these days she's going to lose that tanto to oversharpening. Behind me I heard someone shifting around and glance over my shoulder to see Yuri lugging in this giant cannon...thing. Yuri's an engineer, I don't pretend to know what she's doing most of the time. She takes aim and looks up at Karai, who lets out this horrible 'dark' chuckle she gets when she tries to pretend she's older than 15 and crows about how we're testing our new weapon.

Why the hell would you announce that? What purpose did that serve? Just shooting them would be more effective, now they have a warning and -

A flash of green and purple catches the corner of my eye and I see another turtle barreling straight for me. It vaguely registers that the shell looks like a Malaclemys terrapin. Wait. Its not coming for me. I look over my shoulder at the cannon. Oh.

I look back at the turtle and notice it has a long staff. I stand there dumbfounded until that staff unsheathes a blade as long as my forearm.

"Oh fuck, oh shit, it has a naginata!" I forget that Foot are supposed to be silent as I drop to the floor and curl my hands around my head. "I don't get paid enough for this shit, you assholes!"

Then the turtle trips over me. Evidently the fetal position is not an expected battle strategy. It hurts like hell and I'm pretty sure that I hear a few ribs pop, but I see Yuri through my hands flinching away from the blade and taking the shot. Which goes wide. Typical. Yuri's an engineer, not a marksman. She staggers back and fades into a crowd of Foot that are suddenly there. Someone grabs me by the shoulders and helps me out to the van as we beat a 'tactical retreat.'

Later, in the infirmary, I am congratulated for saving the weapon.

With my poor bruised torso.

And no one mentions me yelling obscenities during the fight.

I am beginning to reconsider the value of my spine.


End file.
